What if people bought cars like they bought computers?
Take #1

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
Helpline: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Helpline: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
Helpline: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
Helpline: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
Helpline: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
Customer: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
Helpline: "A 'V'?!?"
Customer: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
Helpline: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
Customer: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
Helpline: "Yes, among other things."
Customer: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
Helpline: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
Helpline: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
Helpline: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"
Helpline: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
Customer: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."
Helpline: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
Customer: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
Helpline: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
Customer: "How do you do THAT?"
Helpline: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
Customer: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
Helpline: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"

Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Helpline: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

What if people bought cars like they bought computers?
Take #2

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side."
Helpline: "How did you try to open the passenger's side?"
Customer: "I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side."
Helpline: "People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way."

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I turn my windshield wipers on?"
Helpline: "There's a little button on the radio console..."
Customer: "Radio console??"
Helpline: "Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it."
Customer: "And that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did."
Helpline: "People are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with the principles of graphic design."

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens."
Helpline: "What model do you have?"
Customer: "It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose."
Helpline: "Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?"
Customer: "I don't know. Let me find out and I'll call you back."
Helpline: "Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse."

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse."
Helpline: "Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that."
Customer: "It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the 'Reverse gear option'."
Helpline: "Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear."
Customer: "Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?"
Helpline: "Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power drivers'."
Customer: "How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?"
HelpLine: "Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kinds of complicated details, go right ahead..."

Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car just caught fire."
Helpline: "I see. And what model was it?"
Customer: "1994r Mongoose."
Helpline: "Big or small . . ."
Customer: " . . . small r."
Helpline: "And your registration number?"
Customer: "426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam."
Helpline: "And where did you buy your car?"
Customer: "Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale."
Helpline: "And what was the name of the salesman?"
Customer: "I don't remember."
Helpline: "I see. Are you sure you didn't steal this car?"
Customer: "Of course I didn't steal it!"
Helpline: "And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?"

If Microsoft Built Cars...

In a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000miles/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

What if people bought furniture like they bought computers?

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.
Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?
You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.
Customer: But how do I get there?
You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?
Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Toyota Celica in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

- And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

Customer: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so Complicated!